Hopes and Fears

   Last Thursday night I was invited to make a list of my hopes and fears pertaining to my EFM class. After seeing our fears all typed up in front of me, it became clear which of my personal fears might have been silly or unnoteworthy. The one that was still important enough to keep seemed like it had a simple answer to solving the problem and eliminating the fear. So I decided to apply this to my life. I began making mental notes of my hopes and fears over the weekend and this morning I typed them up.

   In order to realize many of my hopes I have to address a few fears. I started with a phone call. I asked a question that I knew would set the tone for the length of the conversation. Not a good tone, I admit, but I was determined to not allow this fear to fester any longer. I don't often like looking for reassurance outside myself, but in this instance, the fear was externally based, so this was the only way. The answer was bad. My fear had been founded. Now what? How do I proceed knowing the worst is true?

  The answer is: Face it. Take that fear and handle it. Where do we go from here? How can we recover? What is our hope for this situation and how do we get there? My knee-jerk reaction would be to hide from it. Ignore it and hope it dissipates all on it's own. Or I might bulldoze it and start over with new ground. I know that doesn't actually solve the problem. I know it must be addressed. Instead of bulldozing this issue, or pretending it doesn't exist, I am taking it out of someone else's hands and creating a solution on my own. I'm not saying that the person handling it isn't capable; I'm saying they didn't see a problem when I perceived it to be broken, and it was in fact, fractured. Maybe not as broken as I had feared, but still splintered enough that without proper love and time it would surely break within the week.

 So I'm throwing on my Super cape and hunkering down until I have fixed this one issue and faced this one fear- maybe not head on, but definitely hand in hand.

  I will address one fear at a time until I have whittled down my list to nothing and all I have left are hopes. As I address each fear I am causing the hopes to actualize. Realizing my hopes and dreams can only be a good thing.

I have learned from my friend's daughter Alice to go for it. Alice was afraid of the water at the beginning of the Summer, but by Summer's end was jumping in with abandon, full of love for swimming. I want to be more like Alice, and so I started today.

What Role Model?

This started as a letter to Miley. I know we are all sick of hearing about it, but the truth is (at least in my house) that it has to be addressed. So this letter, note, rant, is now to my daughter instead.

Dear Arden,

 I know growing up you will see lots of young women that you look up to for guidance and inspiration behaving in ways that repulse you or cause you to question the things I say are acceptable. I know that I tend to sugarcoat these behaviors and say things like "It's still okay for you to like her music without condoning her actions." When I say this, what I'm trying to say is "I think she's bat guano crazy, but I don't want to tell you not to listen to her music because then you will listen in secret, and one secret leads to many secrets, and I don't want you to feel like you need to keep things from me." So please, enjoy listening to the Mileys, Britneys, and Black Veil Brides of the world; just remember you don't have to emulate their personal lives in order to enjoy the music.

 This is your life, Baby. Be someone your kids will be proud of. Be yourself, and remember while you go through the "finding yourself" phase, that being someone you can look at in the mirror each morning is the most important thing.

Peer pressure can be daunting. I know that feeling like an outsider or that you don't fit in can be so hard. In those situations, take a step back to look and see if those kids model the behavior you want for yourself. If they are all wearing clothes that are too tight, making fun of the special needs kids, or talking back to adults,  are they really the group of friends you want? You are a beautiful young woman with an amazing heart. Don't lose sight of that while trying to find your way in this crazy world. Hollywood isn't only made of Miley-Britney types. There are also Anne Hathaways and Hilary Duffs. Look for Kate Middletons and Audrey Hepburns, Cassandra Roys and Danielle LaFleurs... and go from there. I believe you can overcome the bar society has set for your generation. You will just have to forge your own way, my love. And I will be here for you every step of the way.

Always,

Mommy

The Ride to Work

  If I were to give my best friend, Byron a ride to work this morning, I would have moved my gym bag and the box of pasta from the front seat, hugged him, and started a conversation. I would have asked how the kids are doing. I would have asked about work. I might have ribbed him a little about his new girlfriend. I would have told him some stories about Jacks and Arden. We would have laughed and talked about the upcoming day's events and challenges. When we reached our destination I would have hugged him again, told him I love him, and then I would say something entirely Jackson, like, I hope your day sucks, or have a mediocre day. And he'd roll his eyes and mumble "Bana Mahna." And we'd part ways singing the muppet song.

  Now humor me here for a moment. What if, instead of Byron asking for a ride to work, it was someone else? What if God called and asked me to bring him to work this morning. I would jump at the opportunity to have the Lord in my car. Holy Muffins! The day before I would empty my car of all the trash, clothes and kids stuff. I'd take it through the carwash, vacuum it out, and even spray three dollars worth of that new car mist. I would arrive early, but not so early to be a nuisance. I would wonder... do I hug God as he gets in the car? I mean, you don't exactly hug the Queen... but this is God. He knows everything about me and still loves me, and as far as I'm concerned that deserves a hug. Sheesh. I'm overthinking this, I would think to myself. I'd ask about the kids and about work. But I would feel much more inclined to ask if there is anything I can do for him. I mean, the work of the Lord seems much more overwhelming to me than the work of my friend. (No offense, B. We both know I couldn't do your job.) But here, instead of telling him about my kids or the challenges my day presents, I would have so many questions. And really, how often will I have the Lord Almighty trapped in my car with nothing to do but answer my questions. But then, I think perhaps he called me because he knows that I know that he can't really answer all my questions, and maybe he thought I would be understanding and not pester him too much. So I decide to keep the conversation somewhat light. But I do say, "Lord, I know you have a plan for me, and some days I feel so far from the path. Can you give me some insight to where I should be heading?" And the Lord would share with me the parable about the man he asked to push a stone with all his might.
  The man tried hard everyday to move the stone. He pushed and pushed with all his strength, but just couldn't get the stone to move, not even a little. The man felt helpless and defeated and he called out to God, asking why he would give him a task he couldn't complete. And God said to him, look at your arms, chest and back. See how strong they've become. Look at the muscles in your legs.
  Through opposition the man had grown and could do things that far surpassed what he had been able to do before. His calling was not to move the rock, but simply to push with all his might. He had done just as God intended, but felt like he had failed because of the expectations he placed on himself.
So, perhaps I need to place less expectations on myself and simply do what is asked of me. I would sit quietly for a moment and ponder this, but no too long. I wouldn't want to waste what little time I have left with God in the car. I would tell him a joke, share Jack and Arden stories. I would talk about my mom, and thank him... for so many things. Then when we arrived to work, I would hug him and tell him I love him. I'm not sure I tell God I love him enough. Showing him with my actions is wonderful, but sometimes we need to hear those words. And as we parted ways I would say something entirely Byron, like "Have a Super-Fantastic day!"

As He walked away, I would probably cry, because well... I'm a girl, and exactly how often do you give the Lord a ride to work? And as I walked away, I would whisper a silent prayer, thanking him for the opportunity to spend that time with him, and telling him that I'm happy to do it again anytime.